Now it can be told.

Last year, I used my Election Day vacation in an effort to help make Malcolm Smith the State Senate Majority Leader;

Having seen how that worked out, this year I used my day off to take care of my sick son Dybbuk and his new puppy, Cerebus.

But, in earlier times, my election days were far more exciting.

On an unseasonably warm Tuesday in March of 1998, NYS State Senate Democratic political operatives undertook a stealth operation of unsurpassing deviousness.

Meeting under the cover of darkness in the parking lot of an unassuming dinner on the Sunrise Highway, we were deployed by Frank Nemeth into the most Democratic election districts of a previously Republican Nassau County Senate District recently vacated by the death of the late Norman Levy.

Cleverly, we had let the Republicans to believe that our candidate, a Hadassah activist named Rita Eilenberg, was a mere placeholder against their prohibitive favorite, Charles Fuschillo. Unaware of our clever ruse, we were now striking when the Republicans least expected it, with an a surprise election day pull operation.

It was an act of audacity, which turned into an act of humanity as I drove one elderly lady to the polls while Imogen Taylor stayed back at her home and baby-sat with her Alzheimer’s ridden husband, making sure he ate his entire bowl of pea soup, while she answered fourteen times his inquiry, “So, you live in Brooklyn?”

The next morning, the Republicans woke up stunned to discover that we had held them to a mere 76% of the vote (subsequently, Ms. Eilenberg went onto lose several more elections, but never again by so impressive a margin).

Now, perhaps readers will understand while I believe Senate Democrats suffered such a great loss when they dumped Marty Connor as their leader and began a period of the blind leading the dumb (sometimes literally).

But there are stealth campaigns and stealth campaigns.

Yesterday, I was shocked to learn that the left-blogger, Mole333, had run one on my behalf last week in an effort to elect me Brooklyn Borough President. He had joked with me previously about doing so, but I had never taken him seriously.

Truth is, I never really take Mole seriously.

Here is the text of his endorsement, which I repeat in its totality, because otherwise you might never find it:

Brooklyn Borough President: Write-in: Gatemouth

Okay, I can't stand Marty Markowitz. I once liked him. But over theyears I have grown to despise him. I have written at some length why, but suffice it to say he is a mean-spirited, nasty, hypocritical shill for the worst developers ever.

The only official alternative is a Republican. I can't do that either.At one point I half jokingly promised fellow blogger Gatemouth that I would write him in for Brooklyn BP. In reality he is better thaneither of the official candidates so I plan on fulfilling that promise. If a good chunk of people write in Gatemouth for Brooklyn BP, it won't really make any difference, but it will a.) make a goodperson (Gatemouth's real persona) feel good and b.) show I keep my promise. Here are the write in instructions:

"You may vote for a candidate not listed on the ballot by writing in the candidate's name. Locate the button over the column of numbered slots on the left of the voting machine and:

1. For General Election: Depress the button and, while holding it
in, open the slot opposite the office for which you wish to write in a candidate's name."

Do me a favor...take the effort and vote Gatemouth for Brooklyn BP. And spread the word. If we get a respectable number of votes forGatemouth, it will make an impression of sorts.

(The impression apparently being that Mole has finally gone completely off his rocker. Incidentally, Mole is factually incorrect, as there was also a Libertarian in the race).

While Mole did post almost exactly the same article on “Daily Gotham,“ he cleverly deleted all references to Gatemouth from it, lest it be discovered by hostile forces (or even friendly ones).

Not that I'm complaining. Compared to the bupkes' worth of sweat expended by the Working Families Party to elect Bill Thompson as Mayor, Mole's efforts on my behalf qualify as both strenuous and heroic.  

Speaking of hostile forces, the idea of a campaign being conducted on my behalf by a blogger from a site where I was once regularly vilified (I think one article was called “Gatemouth: Dishonest Schmuck“) and later banned, does raise the question of whether Markowitz was the one I should have been worried about.

As it turned out, I should not have worried. While the ladies and gentlemen (and I use both terms loosely) of DDDB (which I think stands for “Decay, Don’t Develop Brooklyn,” or something like that) are no fans of mine , their hatred for Markowitz is so overwhelming that they will back anyone against him whether they are allies of lunatic hate-monger Jimmy McMillan, or even Gatemouth.

Nonetheless, in the spirit of recognizing Mole’s limited, but nonetheless well intentioned efforts, Room Eight is generously offering a prize to the person who posts the closest guess of the exact number of votes achieved by Gatemouth in this year’s Borough Presidential Election.

The winner will enjoy a scintillating evening of sparkling political commentary and Italian Food at Brooklyn’s famous Queen Restaurant with Gate and Mole, their spouses, Domestic Partner and Gerbil, and their sons, Dybbuk and Yanky (Mole’s teenage step-daughter has also been invited, but finds the prospect of such an evening incredibly boring). While the winner in obligated to pick up the tab, Ben Smith has graciously agreed to fork over his traditional 9% gratuity.

So how many votes did Gate receive?

CORRECTION: Marty Connor tells me that he is pretty sure he never authorized the stealth operation in Nassau, so my guess is our efforts on behalf on Rita Eilenberg were a mission of Merci, specifically staffer Merci Miglino, who in no way resembles Sarah Palin, except in her tendency to "go rogue."

Connor also informs me that unless there is a registered voter in Brooklyn named "Gatemouth," Gatemouth got zero valid votes.  While this is not a barrier to the votes being counted, it is  a barrier to being certified as the winner. As such, Connor advises me to hang on to my day job.

Update (11/25/09): Connor was more correct than he kew. Not only did Gatey get zero valid votes, but zero invalid ones as well. I am now envious of Rita Eilenberg.