The Gospel According to Carl
People often ask me why I do not write fiction. It is because my imagination is too limited to ever create anything as boundlessly amusing as the truth.
Behold the following:
March 26, 2010
Dear Mr. and Mrs. [LIST-MERGE NAME OF GOY HERE]:
The sacred holiday of Easter commemorates the resurrection of Jesus Christ and, on a larger scale, the possibility of re-invention and renewal that awaits all us. It is a time for families to share together in long-established rituals and to offer prayers and to offer payers that celebrate the renewal of hope in the blessings we receive.
The life and teachings of Jesus continue to speak to every generation, providing hope for the future and the promise of new life. He taught the importance of helping others and serving our communities. His selfless devotion and mercy provide a remarkable example for all of us. His lesson is timeless and reminds us that even in the face of struggle, hope endures.
As we seek peace throughout the world, we are reminded that freedom--one of the greatest miracles of all--is a precious gift and a right that many people throughout the world continue to be denied. Our hearts and prayers go out to all who suffer under the weight of oppression and under the weight of tyranny.
During this celebration of Easter, I hope that people of every faith will affirm that freedom is the right of all people. This is a fitting way to remember our living heritage.
From the Kruger family to your family, enjoy a happy and healthy and safe holiday.
All the best--
Member of Senate
Chair, Finance Committee
Is nothing “sacred”?
Apparently to Carl Kruger “resurrection“, “re-invention“& “renewal” all have their place, however much “redemption” is surely beyond his powers.
During his career in public life Carl Kruger has resurrected himself after an indictment and more than one investigation. He has reinvented himself again and again and again and again, switching alliances in the Senate so frequently, that to fictionalize his frolics and adventures as a major motion picture would require more actors to portray him than it would to do justice to Bob Dylan (even if they would all have to be made up to look like Wallace Shawn with extra padding).Exactly how the life and teachings of Jesus speak to Mr. Kruger is surely a question for the ages. “Selfless devotion” as opposed to the more selfish kind is not a concept which Mr. Kruger’s work immediately beckons to mind, while “mercy” is mostly a word cried out for by those who encounter Mr. Kruger in an adversarial manner. As Mose Allison so eloquently put it:
I can't believe the things I'm seeing
It is truly touching to learn that Carl Kruger sends his “heart” [such that it is--hopefully, he makes up for the insufficient weight by adding a kidney] “and prayers” out “to all who suffer under the weight of oppression…and tyranny” and that “freedom is the right of all people.”
Query: Does that include the right of LGTB people who would like to get married?
Yes, says Carl, but only if they want to marry members of the opposite sex.
Perhaps the strangest thing about perhaps the strangest piece of strange political material ever paid for by the taxpayer (in possible violation of the Establishment Clause) is the mention of the “Kruger family“ ?
Is this like the Soprano Family.
Who then is Carl Kruger’s “Big Pussy”?As far as the world knows, Carl Kruger lives in a house in the Mill Island area of Brooklyn with his collection of guns, a woman who serves as the District Manager of the Community Board Kruger used to serve as Chair, and her two adult sons; some say the District Manager is Bess Myerson to Kruger’s Ed Koch, but those people are very old and have a long memory. I suppose if one were of non-traditional values, one could call this arrangement (or whatever it is) the Kruger Family.
Of course, the sort of person who might say such a thing would likely be voting in favor of permitting same sex civil marriage. But perhaps Carl is just opposed to marriage period.
Still, one must wonder, what is it in the “life and teachings of Jesus” that Carl Kruger finds so compelling?
I do not ask because this because Kruger is Jewish. As a Jew with no intention of ever converting, I still appreciate the teachings of Jesus, and one day hope to meet a Christian (or a person of any other faith) who actually lives by them.
We’ve all heard the old joke that we know Jesus was Jewish because 1) he went into his father’s business (in fact, into both of his putative fathers‘ businesses), 2) he lived at home until he was 33, and 3) he was sure his mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God. Although, in argument to the contrary, I must note that: 1) he did carpentry; 2) he'd been inside a stable; and 3) he had a Last Supper instead of the Early Bird Special.
But to me, Jesus is best understood as Elvis.Jesus took some derivative ideas and by his sheer talent and force of will, made them seem new.
But it took Saul of Tarsus to make him a world wide phenomena---a model for Colonel Parker if there ever was one--though the Colonel had perhaps a bit of Judas thrown into the mix.
John the Baptist?--- Sam Phillips? Hank Williams, Wynonie Harris, Harmonica Frank? Or more likely all of them and dozens of others.
I do not mean to be disrespectful. I am an admirer of Jesus as both an historical figure and philosopher (and actually blanche at those who make fun of Dubya for naming Jesus his favorite philosopher).
My viewpoint about Jesus is in many ways a deeply American one, deriving as it does from the Jefferson Bible (for the benighted, Jefferson edited his own book from the four Gospels, leaving in all the philosophy, and removing all the miracles--although, isn't the really miraculous stuff that which is contained in the philosophy?). One need not accept the divinity of Jesus to understand his value and values.
I don't believe that for one minute Jesus ever considered himself the founder of a new religion--he lived and died as a Jew suffering his generation‘s equivalent of the gas oven or lime pit. Historically, the founder of Christianity, and the Civilization which followed, was Paul--though he could have not done so without Jesus' ideas and ideals--whether those ideas and ideals were always embraced by those civilizations which claimed to follow them is one I'll leave to the historians.
While Jesus was a transcendent figure, he was a transcendent figure who came out of a long and distinguished tradition. Christianity’s Golden rule was merely a reiteration by Jesus of the summary given by Rabbi Hillel to the jerk who insisted of being taught the essentials of Judaism while standing on one foot: "that which is unpleasant to you--don't do to others"
Which brings us back to Kruger, a man whose entire career has been built upon doing unto others before they do unto him, in as unpleasant a manner as possible.
Therefore, I am compelled to ask: which teaching of Jesus is it that so bunches Senator Kruger’s panties?
Let’s try a few more without laughing too hard.
We’ve already covered “do unto others,” but there are so many other possibilities.
1) “Love Your Enemies!” I suppose it depends upon what your definition is of the word “love.” As someone who’s twice lived to have his livelihood threatened by Mr. Kruger, I think it would perhaps be more accurate to say that Senator Kruger likes to “make love” to his enemies. To a fare thee well.2) “Don't Worry About The Future.” Perhaps not the best example, as Kruger raises campaign fund like a little ant, even if he does have a grasshopper-like tendency to expend a good deal of them upon his own personal indulgences.
3) “You know that the rulers in this world lord it over their people, and officials flaunt their authority over those under them.” Kruger may have taken this to heart, but probably didn’t read on to the next sentence.
4) “And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?” Chairmanship of the Finance Committee. Anyway, given the value of this particular soul, who’s to say he didn’t get the better part of the bargain?
5) “And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.” Provided you have real balls, three amigos, and only 32 votes in your conference.
6) “Turn the other cheek.” Yeah, because he wants to slap that one, too. There is perhaps another joke to be made here, but I’ll leave such speculation to Allen Roskoff.
7) “Judge not, that you be not judged.” Or hire a good lawyer.
Perhaps these are not the best examples, but there is no doubt that Kruger got the cornerstone of his political philosophy (such that it exists), and even his philosophy of life itself from the Jewish Carpenter from Nazareth:
“He who is not with me is against me.”
As Mr. Dylan once said:
Well, John the Baptist after torturing a thief
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