Somebody, please call the wahhhhhhh-mbulance!!

You'd think from all the crap heaped upon me from anonymous Council warriors, and from all the blathering about just how difficult it can be for Council Members to answer constituent email in three weeks' time, that Council Member Clarke and staff would have never been able to do what they did.

PUH-lease (to quote one Council warrior)!  You'd be so ... so ... wrong (and I ain't just sayin' that because of the "broomstick up MY butt").

Within 24 hours of sending Council Member Clarke's government office pseudo-self's constituent concern, we were in receipt of:

Not one ...

Not two ...

With interns aflank, our pseudonymous self recently conducted a little experiment. And we can now report to you with some authority that tech wizards – New York City Council Members are not.

More than one out of every two of them (55%, to be exact) failed to respond to our constituent email request. And it was a simple request at that.

After informing each of them that our pseudo-self had just moved into their district, said self asked for the easiest way to register to vote.

Three weeks later, clueless self still hadn't heard from 28 of them AT ALL - hence the abundance of F's awarded today.

And of those who did actually respond, Council Member Jimmy Oddo (R – Staten Island) took the cake, setting the gold standard by which we evaluated every other elected official in New York State.

Fresh off the wires.

Five weeks after his conviction, Ken Lay died earlier today of a massive heart attack in Aspen, Colorado.

More on the story, here.

Granted, it would have been difficult to understand where each of your congressional representatives stood on raising their own pay a couple weeks back because ... ummm ... well ... apparently, so many of them simply didn't want you to bother with such minutia.

Gettin' All Procedural On Us.

In order to have an up or down vote on their salary increases, members would have first had to vote "no" on this Previous Question.  And with a defeat of the Previous Question, Utah Congressman Jim Matheson would have then been able to offer an amendment suspending Congress's automatic pay increases - an amendment, btw, that Congressman Matheson has introduced for the past six years.

Turns out, that the questionable dude up above (yes, am talking about the one with the big fat question mark) admitted to not knowing much about the stock market in yesterday's Newsday, written in response to a piece I ran about his Dicktitude on Monday.

Though Representative Ackerman made some serious ka-ching off of Xenonics - a military contractor - in a very short amount of time, he had the audicity to tell Newsday's J. Jioni Palmer:

Seems to me like Representative Gary L. Ackerman (D-NY) has some explaining to do.

In late 2003, knee-deep in regret over his Iraq war vote, Ackerman released a statement explaining his then reluctant support of President Bush's $87 billion supplemental appropriations bill. In it, he lambasts the GOP's Halliburtonistic tendencies:

[“...And because of the majority’s tax-cutting fanaticism, these billions are going to come in the form of debt-to be paid by our children and our children’s children. And this, because the majority party has squandered our surplus by their tax pay off to their wealthiest contributors.”]

Problem was, that by that time, one of Ackerman's wealthiest contributors was also getting shnoockered off the Afghanistan and Iraq war troughs. And an even bigger problem – that Ackerman was himself getting tipsy as well; and in fact, has gotten sloshed off the war ever since.

[Sources say he's [Bill Clinton] worried Mayor Bloomberg will run for president as a third-party candidate, spending $300 million of his fortune, and draw enough votes away from presumptive Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton to elect the Republican candidate.] 

Steve Dunleavy, picks up where I left off, taking it to the Hamptons Jitney crew in today's NY Post.

Of the Department of Homeland Security, Dunleavy says:

[...the moron in Bonehead Security in Washington who signed off on this should have a nice studio apartment for the rest of his life in the psychiatric unit of Bellevue Hospital.

What kind of a crazy, knucklehead message is that for a country that still grieves?]

With Rock and Gate firmly ensconced, I'm certain there's little more I can add to the world of Brooklyn politics - especially to all that is the wacky 11th.

But, do allow me to throw into the mix a few facts about the numbers - since, usually, they don't lie (though in Brooklyn....???).

Clearly, David Yassky wins hands down as the Megabuxster of this race; meaning, lots 'o big money and big interests in tow. What follows is the average size of each candidate's itemized contributions (those over $200).

Yassky, $829

Andrews, $735

Clarke, $617

Owens, $589

The extent to which certain industries dangle Yassky's purse strings is not insignificant. According to the Center for Responsive Politics, the Finance/Insurance/Real Estate and the Legal/Lobby industries combined own nearly 25% of Yassky Corp ... a staggering amount (if you ask me).

... and you, for that matter. 

Want some homeland security? Then ride the freakin' Jitney!

That's right.  That's where it's at.  Your personal homeland is safe so long as you're traveling in style to and fro the Hamptons.

Not going to the Hamptons?  Then sorry.  You're shit out of luck.

While New York City scrambles to fill its homeland security funding shortfalls, the folks at Hampton Jitney Inc. have had no problem landing their share of Homeland Security funding - to the tune of $83,000 over the past two cycles (viewable here and here).

The Center for Public Integrity just completed a study examining 23,000+ privately funded trips taken by members of Congress and staffers over a 5.5-year period.

Lots 'O Fact Finding.  And among their many interesting discoveries, we learn that the office of Queens Rep. Gregory Meeks finds itself smack dab atop the list of Congressional travelers; meaning, it consumed more than $350,000 worth of travel during this time period.

What Happens In Cuba, Stays In...Separately, we also learn that as a result of the Center's efforts, NY Congressional Dean, Charles Rangel, has acknowledged a violation of House ethics rules, and reimbursed two of the sponsors of a trip he took to Cuba fours years ago with his wife and son.

From the woman who referred to Christiane Amanpour as a "spokeswoman for Al-Qaeda" and to Jack Cafferty as "unstable as CNN's programming line-up," comes this whale of a sucker punch to our own daily politicker.

"Ben has struggled to regain relevance since leaving the New York Observer, which is why you need a blood hound to find his column. We're happy he's making more than the $29,000 he made at the Observer... then again, you get what you pay for."

Mind you, this garbage came in response to Ben's insistence that Fox News isn't ... how shall I say it ... always that fair and balanced??

First, Kinky in Texas. Now Jimmy ... stickin' it to the wo-man in Nevada, a la Enron no less!

Questions is, why can't our pols give us some good down home entertainment?  Can't say there's no fodder...

Click on the pic to enjoy!

Read 'em and weep... 

"This is a false moment... The real campaign starts when the convention is over. I am ready to leave behind the inside politics and determination of party bosses to promote the status quo."

- AG Candidate, Denise O'Donnell, The New York Times

"The Cuomo machine has done me a favor by framing the race between a lifelong lawyer for the people and a political machine. The first half of this game involving deals and threats with politicians is over now the second half of talking with little shots, called the people, begins."

- AG Candidate, Mark Green, The Politicker

Is the Times open for biz for real this time?

To the most mystified of readers, here's what Healy and the gang at The New York Times have in store for you every minute of every day: