NGD: To start out, Mr. Paladino, what was your childhood like?

CP: Well, I didn't really know much about my father, he died when I was very young. I do know that he was a Sardinian sailor who got really drunk during a Santa Guiseppina Molto Virtuosa festival and slipped and fell headfirst into a vat of boiling olive oil.  It all happened after my mother clocked him with a huge capodimonte piece she won in the raffle. She still has the thing on her mantle. I love my mother.

NGD: Since you pride yourself on being politically incorrect, what does Carl Paladino consider to be politically incorrect?

CP: King Martin Luther Day--which I'll abolish.  And these Oriental gayblades that are living across the street from me.

NGD: Similarly, since a woman performing sex acts with a horse seems OK by you, what does Carl Paladino consider to be over-the-top pornographic?

CP: Black people and white people having sex.

NGD: With each other, all together, across racial lines?

CP: Look, Snow White plus Sambo equals Zebra Society.

NGD: What about Asians?

CP: They don't count because they're a different species altogether.

NGD: Switching gears, was there ever a Holocaust?

CP: No. The only thing that really happened was Halloween.

NGD: Was there ever slavery in America?

CP: No. Another myth.

NGD: Then how did all the African-American people get here?

CP: They walked from Kenya to the Mexican border.  Just like Obama did.

NGD: What are your views on eminent domain?

CP: What's there to talk about? The governor of New York gets to tell everybody what they can or can't build.  Look, I'm in the business so I know what I'm talking about. And that's the centerpiece of my one-point economic plan. Another thing, I'd take a baseball bat to that Mohammadian who thinks he can set up shop down at Ground Zero. 

NGD: Speaking of religion, is the Anti-Christ here on earth now? Maybe walking among us?

CP: You better believe it, buddy.

NGD: How do you know it's Him?

CP: That's a stupid-interviewer question. You ever see the Omen, you dingleberry? The three sixes are right there on Shelly Silver's forehead. If you stare at it enough, they'll appear.  Besides, the guy I trust most in the world, Chris Collins--he's the Erie County Executive, just in case you're one of those downstate dimwits--has Six-Sigma Certified Silver as The Anti-Christ.

NGD: Speaking of Chris Collins, you've disclosed that you've fathered one child out of wedlock--throughout your long career how many other baby-mommas have you impregnated?

CP: In the United States?

NGD: In the United States.

CP: Fuck you. I don't do hypotheticals.

NGD: Any baby-mommas within your immediate family?

CP: I refuse to answer that question because it's too personal.

NGD: Switching topics again, what's your relationship with Tom Golisano like?

CP: We share somebody.

NGD: Who?

CP: His name's Steve Pigeon.

NGD: Most people think you share Pigeon with Pedro Espada.

CP: I do...it's long story that's about to get shorter.  Anyway, I also tell Tommy whenever I see him he oughta lay off the scotch and bimbos--he's looking like a beached whale at Christmastime these days. [Paladino bursts out laughing.]

NGD: Where do you like to vacation?

CP: Patpong, that's in Bangkok. I love it there. It's the only place left where a man can be truly free.

NGD: What's your favorite animal?

CP: The Northern European Unicorn. After that, Amber the Duck. After that, Steve Pigeon.

NGD: Word on the street is that Amber, your proprietary quack-quack duck, might really be stalking you?  Maybe a spy or assassin sent by Andrew Cuomo? Maybe Amber shoves a shank into your ribs some day?

CP: Don't you worry about it...Amber's good people..good duck.

NGD: How can you be sure?

CP: I'll tell you how, you freggin' smart-ass stronzo, it's because Amber the quack-quack duck is really my friend Roger Stone in duck-drag.

NGD: Speaking of Roger Stone, are you also, you know, a swinger like him?

CP: You could say that.

NGD: Do you share Steve Pigeon with Roger Stone too?

CP: I'm revoking my freedom from information rights on that question.

NGD: Do you and Stone and Pigeon swing with each other?

CP: Depend's who's asking.

NGD: Do you guys like, swing with horses too? You know, like that babe in that picture of yours?

CP: On or off the record?

NGD: On the record.

CP: Yes. But without penetration. Next question.

NGD: What about another famous upstater, Billy Fuccillo, you know him?

CP: Yes I do.

NGD: What's he like?

CP: He really is huuuuge.

NGD: Understanding that you're vehemently opposed to abortion, what are your views on growing and harvesting stem-cells?

CP: I'm willing to go to Texas or South Dakota or wherever--with my baseball bat--to keep those greasy Mexican bastards from smuggling that crap into our country and turning our young people into junkies.

NGD: To what do you attribute your striking resemblance to Nosferatu--the archetypal and repulsive-looking vampire of lore?  The imagery and resemblance is uncanny, if you don't mind me saying so.

CP: Screw Nosferatu, the state pays me cash money for leasing my buildings while I tee-off on them; now that, my friend, is some serious vampire bloodsucking.  It'll get even better when I'm governor because then I can suck off myself.  The way I look at it, I wouldn't be a straight-shooter if I didn't suck off myself, right? But to answer your original question, it was my mother's crappy sfogliatella-she always put in way too much strutto. 

NGD: Very quick final question and very quick answer?

CP: Shoot.

NGD: Do you suffer from Tourette's Syndrome?

A. Not really. 

NGD: Thanks for the interview and good luck, Mr. Paladino.

CP: Just get the fuck outta here before I split your head open with my bare hands, you potato-peeling, kraut-guinea titsoon.