The New York Times Does Next Gen Dems

Word on the street is that the New York Times (we won't name names, although we got 'em) is looking to identify NGD. Again. Sigh. We also know who's on their short suspect list and they're not only barking up the wrong tree, but aren''t even in the right forest. So we thought we'd help them out and just write their NGD hit piece for them. 

Vitriolic Blog Finds Niche Brokering in Human Misery

In the shadowy nether world of Internet political blogging--where intrigue meets invective and rancid calumny is de rigeur--one apocryphal New York blog stands ominously and perniciously alone.  Constructed, composed and cosseted in both mystery and malice, the blog calling itself 'Next Gen Dems'-- or simply 'NGD' in attenuated Internet parlance--has found a small but significant following defending some powerful politicians and their causes and airing multi-dimensional grievances with the so-called "mainstream media," pouncing on what it perceives as shoddy journalism and imbecilic editorialization while categorically dismissing the entire New York Times opinion page staff as "...intellectually-pasteurized cadavers. But with laptops and air cards."

Spewing staccato derision like smoke-stack particulate into an acrid November gale, the blog has characterized two-time gubernatorial aspirant B. Thomas Golisano as a "dumb-dog billionaire," and strongly suggests that Mr. Golisano--the financial architect of this summer's State Senate coup--is a power-mad, Viagra-and-Scotch-inebriated opportunist.  Nor has the blog been hesitant to employ inflammatory racial objectification in pursuit of its political ends, once referring to B. Steven Pigeon--Mr. Golisano's protege and now counsel to Senate Majority leader B. Pedro Espada--as a political "torch monkey," and deriding Mr. Pigeon's protege, Mr. B. Gary Parenti, as a "tool in the 'hood."

Journalists have fared no better.  The blog has christened William Hammond, a prominent columnist for some other newspaper, as 'Mr. Bill' after the bungling, self-destructing character of Saturday Night Live fame. Often mocking Mr. Hammond's inveterate penchant for top-heavy metaphor and obdurately churlish writing style, the blog once stated that enduring Mr. Hammond's histrionic syntax is tantamount to "getting waterboarded" by someone "under the influence of habitually inhaled paint thinner."

"Bloggers like this have upended the democratic process from Uruguay to East Timor, and have no place in the civilized world,"  said Dr. Jack M. Auff, the Saul Alinsky professor of political communication at the Columbia University School of Journalism. "They're completely out of control," Professor Auff continued, voice quivering with anxiety.  "These people simply write whatever they feel like writing, but worse still, write whatever they're thinking they're feeling. There's no filter here and that's a very dangerous thing for any democracy. People are reading this stuff and then getting a perverted conceptualization of what we determine to be objective fact. In class, I simply refer to bloggers as 'scum.' The two terms are virtually interchangeable," added Dr. Auff, face glistening with cautionary perspiration.

Even within the so-called blogsphere, Next Gen Dems' scorched-pixel style has made few friends and alienated natural allies.  "They came on the scene out of nowhere and basically told us that we better stop googlebombing unprogressive, old-school, suckass Democrats like Shelly...or else," said another New York blogger with the screen name of 'Biscotti.' "Who are they to dictate what Democrats we can or can't intimidate or googlebomb? When I said this is our constitutional right and standard Netroots and Daily Kos protocol, they ignored me and then called me a 'self-licking ice cream cone' and told me to get back to playing Lord of the Flies with my little friends.  I actually printed out that post just in case you don't believe me. It got so bad that I felt I had to go out and get this tattoo. Look at how it reads: 'NGD Sucks!' Take it from me, these people are hurtful--very hurtful. And they need to be stopped before they can do any more more damage to people like me."