Dear God,

I'm a good person. I am nice to people. I help my friends and family with whatever they need that's in my power to do. I give my seat on the subway to senior citizens (some of whom are much younger than John McCain) and pregnant woman all the time. I give money to and volunteer for good causes. I never cuss. I am nice to animals and I religiously recycle. I call my brother on his birthday, after 1PM as he works at night. I buy rounds of drinks not expecting that a drink will be bought for me. I don't treat people who have been less fortunate in life than me like I'm better than they are, because I know I was just lucky and I'm no better than than for having this luck. I usually clean my plate and eat my veggies. I play music at home and on my iPod low enough that other people can't hear it. But, despite being a good person, I have bad thoughts about John McCain. Sometimes, very bad thoughts.

I want bad things to happen to Sen. McCain. I don't think he's completely evil (he's no Satan or Dick Cheney or Donald Rumsfeld; he's slightly below President Bush on the Evil-Scale, maybe the same level as Tony Blaire)(Nor is he as evil as Dr. Evil; he's semi-evil, the margarine of evil, the Diet Coke of Evil, just one calorie, not evil enough), but I do think he's terribly wrong about a lot of things. For instance, I worry about Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens, the voice of liberal reason on the court; he is very very old, like he makes McCain look middleaged, old (Stevens is 16 years older!). He must be waiting for a Democrat so he can retire (he probably is kicking himself for not retiring when Mr. Clinton was president (Clinton was probably too conservative for his tastes)). Sen. McCain will appoint some god awful conservative like Scalia to replace one of the greatest liberal thinkers in American Jurisprudential History. And Justice Ginsburg is no spring chicken either and is a cancer survivor. I worry about her, too. Scalia, not so much.

So, I have bad thoughts. Some are only slightly bad, like I hope he badly loses his train of thought during a debate with the Democratic Nominee and starts rambling on and on until the moderator interupts. And then maybe he will fall asleep during the next debate.

Perhaps he can badly lose his temper (we all know he "flies off the handle"), and start screaming at staffers when he's on camera and doesn't know it, creating the "Macaca" moment of the campaign that gets a zillion hits on YouTube.

Maybe he can have a mild stroke while campaigning. He could collapse in mid-stump speech and be rushed to the hospital. Not a bad stroke, you know, no paralysis or anthing. Mild enough that he'd be on camera the next morning cracking jokes the way Reagan did the day after he was shot a bunch of times.

Am I going to a bad place after I die for these thoughts God? I just can't help myself. I think about how America's uninsured need health insurance. I want the tax cuts for the rich to expire so tax relief can go to people who really need it. I want the world to respect us again. I want as many of our boys and girls in Iraq to come home as possible. These things won't happen under McCain, and thus, I think bad thoughts.

I have to admit that, while I don't wish for it, I wouldn't mind if he dropped dead a week before the election. I realize that's a horrible thing to say, but I really wouldn't. But I know that gay people need rights. We really do. So do transgendered people. No go with John McCain, so I wish him ill and wouldn't care if he dropped dead.

So God, I guess I'm praying as hard as I know how that John McCain loses in November and that I not be destined for fire and brimestone for thinking the things I have been thinking; anything you can do to help would be greatly appreciated.

And, God, if you do decide to strike Sen. McCain down, can you please take Ralph Nader, too? he's really outstayed his welcome on this planet and hardly anyone would miss him.

Amen.