Ahmadinejad and the Flying Submarine - Travis Kelly
Happy Friday, everyone!
Hurricane Irene will set upon us in a matter of hours; please be sure to have your emergency goods set aside. Jay Walder has indicated that the entire public transportation system may be shut down, since the hurricane will place the transit employees in a dangerous position.
Good for him.
Employers - please be sure to understand that this could be a dangerous time for your employees - have consideration for their families, as well as yours.
Stay dry and safe, everyone. Here's a piece by Travis Kelly, web designer extraordinaire and a heck of a guy.
Ahmadinejad and the Flying Submarine
by Travis Kelly
Many months ago, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told us that we needed to deploy a hugely expensive anti-missile shield in Poland to protect that country against the “Iranian threat.”
Some may doubt that Iran, even if it had a nuclear arsenal the size of Russia’s, poses any kind of threat to distant Poland, but it's widely known that ever since Xerxes, Persia has lusted to conquer Poland, coveting its vast resources of pickles and kielbasa. In Farsi, the word for Poland is the same as “the Prize." Moreoever, special intelligence gathered by our vast spook empire now proves the threat: a leaked NSA communications intercept between Iranian President Ahmadinejad and a top aide:
AIDE: Oh Esteemed One, have you heard the anger-making report from our spies in Poland?
AHMADINEJAD: No, what?
AIDE: In Warsaw, they are converting Polack jokes into demeaning Iranian jokes.
AHMADINEJAD: Like what?
AIDE: I tell you, but please not to decapitate the messenger... What is long and hard that an Iranian bride gets on her wedding night?
AHMADINEJAD: I know, but Allah forbids me to say it.
AIDE: It’s not that.
AHMADINEJAD: Not the mighty sword that puts uppity harlots in their place?
AIDE: No, sir.
AHMADINEJAD: Then I give up.
AIDE: A new last name.
AHMADINEJAD: Bastards! That's a direct insult against me!
AIDE: Indeed, sir. What shall we do?
AHMADINEJAD: Speed up development of our nukes, so that I may avenge my honor against those satanic Polacks!
Some have questioned the timing of this "leak" just as budget weightwatchers of both parties are eyeing the bloated paunch of the Pentagon — they are, of course, treasonous America haters paving the road to a global Islamo-fascist socialist New World Order. Our only hope of survival and freedom are these critical missile shields, and other advanced Star Wars weapons, such as the Pentagon's latest brainchild: the Flying Submarine.
It's really DARPA's brainchild (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) and it’s actually in development, although there are many hurdles to be overcome, such as red-hot jet engines exploding after plunging into cold seawater, and the general contradiction of a lighter-than-air vehicle that can dive to crushing ocean depths. Why a flying submarine? It's envisioned as the ultimate stealth commando craft, able to hit, run, then quickly hide in an ocean, lake or other body of water. Sort of like a duck — a deadly duck loaded with nuclear bunker-busters.
You have to hand it to the DARPA boys and their allies: they know no limits, either with imagination or the public's purse (they are often less dogmatic and more open to innovation than their civilian counterparts). The CIA spent two decades and several million dollars with a "remote viewing" program (ESP), and there are now a host of bizarre, sci-fi weapons in development: robotic insects and drones that eavesdrop and drop ordnance, microbes that eat rubber, microwave-induced audio hallucinations, blinding lasers, a robotic dog that can clamber over rock gardens, leap like a horse, and recover from skidding on ice, brain-computer chip interfaces for controlling aircraft and weapons systems, weather modification, electromagnetic cannons in outer space… etc.
I sleep better at night knowing that DARPA's well-funded geniuses are thinking of new ways to protect us. Some may dispute that we really need a flying submarine in our current economic sled run, but they haven't considered one thing: the absolute terror it would strike in the heart of Ahmadinejad. One look at the Death Duck (as I call it) performing on YouTube, and he would soon be eating hot dogs with Dick Cheney at the World Series while they hashed out some profitable new oil contracts.
But I worry about this nation's resolve, with even former Defense Secretary Robert Gates muttering blasphemies, wondering "whether the nation can really afford a Navy that relies on $3 to $6 billion destroyers, $7 billion submarines, and $11 billion carriers... do we really need more strike groups for another 30 years when no other country has more than one?”
It’s obvious that the man has been possessed and needs an exorcist; it’s his job to inflate the threats and justify budget boosts, not go off like Hamlet at the beginning of the Pentagon's most challenging war — against the fiscal hawks. Others are singing the same siren song: we just can’t afford to be a Great Power anymore, they say — let’s curl up naked like John Lennon with Yoko Ono and be sensitive girly men as she yodels us into the rocks. "Castrate the Navy!" they cry. "So we can repair bridges and afford a prostate exam!"
I believe there's only one candidate who can save the nation, and it's not that imposter Michele Bachmann. It's the original — Sarah Palin. Because she stood tall and answered Robert Gate's flaccidifying question about the affordability of our gigantic Navy — it rings out like Winston Churchill whacking the Liberty Bell: "My answer is pretty simple: Yes, we can and, yes, we do because we must."
I'm a manly man myself, and I don't cry easily, but that clarion simplicity unleashed a gusher of wet, dripping patriotism. It’s the kind of Simple Simon talk that tingles the spines of all true Americans, and that’s how we're finally going to get Ahmadinejad just like we got Sadam and Osama — with President Palin, commander in chief of the flying submarine. You betcha!
Travis Kelly Creative